From alt.folklore.computers Fri May 21 14:50:00 1993 Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Path: daimi!uts!sunic!uunet!wupost!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!udel!princeton!set.Princeton.EDU!clements From: clements@set.Princeton.EDU (John Brinckerhoff Clements) Subject: Re: Shooting yourself in the foot Message-ID: <1993May12.153754.3451@Princeton.EDU> Originator: news@nimaster Sender: news@Princeton.EDU (USENET News System) Nntp-Posting-Host: set.princeton.edu Organization: Princeton University References: Date: Wed, 12 May 1993 15:37:54 GMT X-Subliminal-Message-A: Life is meaningless. You want a glass of water. Lines: 101 In article alien@acheron.amigans.gen.nz (Ross Smith) writes: >Anyone got a compilation of those "shoot yourself in the foot" >(with various OSs/languages/etc) jokes? yup. The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes when it makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas. C: You shoot yourself in the foot. Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight. APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened. C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there." Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet." MODULA-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head. Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullets are the wrong type and won't pass through the barrel. The gun explodes. sh,csh,etc: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C. Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal. FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability. ALGOL: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room. COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER in HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied. BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged. PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot. SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot). LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ... SCHEME: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ... but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening. English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off. (source: compiled by gls@Think.COM) john clements 21, guggle grog From alt.folklore.computers Thu Sep 23 17:01:12 1993 Path: news.daimi.aau.dk!uts!sunic!pipex!doc.ic.ac.uk!agate!library.ucla.edu!news.mic.ucla.edu!unixg.ubc.ca!unixg.ubc.ca!nntp.cs.ubc.ca!vanbc.wimsey.com!news.cyberstore.ca!nwnexus!osiris From: David Ruggiero Newsgroups: comp.programming,comp.lang.misc,alt.folklore.computers,rec.humor Subject: The Programmer's Handy Guide to the Languages (humor) Supersedes: <27bj41$287@nwfocus.wa.com> Date: 17 Sep 1993 08:17:55 -0700 Organization: [none - why fight entropy?] Lines: 112 Sender: news@nwfocus.wa.com Expires: 15 October 1993 01:01:01 GMT Message-ID: <27ckf3$64v@nwfocus.wa.com> Reply-To: osiris@halcyon.com (David Ruggiero) NNTP-Posting-Host: nwfocus.wa.com Keywords: humor programming languages Originator: osiris@halcyon.com Xref: news.daimi.aau.dk comp.programming:5905 comp.lang.misc:13413 alt.folklore.computers:43484 rec.humor:80763 Something that was going around the office network that I thought needed wider distribution...I've made a few edits and additions, but the original author or authors remain unknown. Enjoy. {BTW, in case you think of it - I already tried (twice!) to submit this to rec.humor.funny, and both times Maddie rejected it with nary an explanation... } David Ruggiero (jdavid@halcyon.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma. TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot. C: You shoot yourself in the foot. C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there." FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability. Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot. Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type. COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied. LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot. Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you. BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged. Visual Basic: You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care. HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result. Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters. SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot. Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o no such file or directory % ls % Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot. 370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried. Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too. Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead. Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for. Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot. Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head. -- David Ruggiero (jdavid@halcyon.com) Osiris Technical Services, Seattle WA Le coeur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connait point.